Letting Go – Why Can't We Get Off the Dead Horse?

In everyone's life, there are areas where letting go proves difficult. Some cling to an old relationship, some to a job, some to a particular place of residence, and others to many different things.

Often, we have no clue what fuels these attachments, even though they can sour our lives and defy all logic. In most cases we don’t even realize that we still haven’t let go of something until it becomes so obvious that it stares us right in the face. When we reach the point where denying our attachment becomes futile, we begin to ponder its cause. Unfortunately, the human psyche follows a different logic than our usual everyday reasoning, so we often only scratch the surface of the underlying causes.

The real questions worth pondering aren't the ones listed below, though we often halt our exploration of the psyche at that point, providing obvious and unusable answers.

• Why can’t I get off the dead horse?

• Why do I try to revive something that should have been buried long ago?

• Do I truly want to bring it back to life, or am I merely fooling myself?

While our gut reaction might be that it's because the old is familiar, comfortable, and safe, and we fear the uncertain future, I've observed that often this isn’t the real reason.

When genuine feelings surface in such situations, it often becomes clear that our attachment to the past isn't about resurrecting it. Instead we might intentionally prevent something new from entering our lives or we could be trying to avoid situations that echo painful childhood memories.

The reasons we punish ourselves and complicate our lives in this manner can be numerous. One common reason is that we haven't come to terms with our own responsibilities, guilt, shame or pain in a situation linked to our attachment. More often than not this situation has nothing to do with the current situation, but with another one somewhere in our past.

I've encountered someone who had cheated on her previous partner multiple times over the years. However, she never took responsibility for these clandestine affairs, not even privately. On the surface she never felt guilty and considered these instances as insignificant.

Six years after breaking up with her partner, she has not formed an intimate relationship with anyone else and felt as though she was still yearning for the old relationship. Yet, through guided introspection, it became clear that she didn’t actually wish to be with her ex anymore. Instead, she was clinging to that past relationship because, deep down, she believed that after her actions, she didn't deserve happiness in love. This belief was especially potent given her decades-long condemnation of her father, who was often unfaithful to her mother.

Often, we think we don’t feel pain or guilt, but it turns out despite appearances deep down we harbor these feelings.

In this client’s case the dissonance between her values – condemning her father for cheating while emulating his behavior and absolving herself from the same misconduct – created inner turmoil and confusion. Without untangling these feelings and judgements and taking responsibility for her actions she wasn’t able to move on.

In another case, an unemployed man was invited by a friend to work at his company. This friend promised him a great career and good pay once the business got off the ground.

Eight years later, the man still worked for his friend, and although the business was thriving, his own situation had scarcely improved. It was clear that the business owner found the arrangement convenient and had no intention of increasing the salary of his hard-working employee. Yet, despite this, the man turned down several enticing job offers with promising prospects and remained "loyal to their friendship". At least that was how he rationalized his actions.

It emerged that due to bitter childhood experiences, the feeling of gratitude filled this man with intense shame. From a young age, his stepfather humiliated him and forced him to express gratitude for everyday things (e.g., food) that should naturally be afforded to a child. As an adult, he tried to avoid or downplay any situation where he had to express gratitude, because every such occasion brought back those degrading childhood memories. Resigning would have meant acknowledging his past gratitude for the opportunity he was given during a time of need and then having to communicate his intention to leave. He so wanted to avoid this situation that he stayed with the company and declined all new job offers.

When we seemingly cling to something long past its time, we should always assess if we truly wish to revive the old or if we merely want to keep the experiences that would come with the change at bay. In doing so, we won’t agonize unnecessarily over how to let go of the past, but instead can work on the real issue at hand: what do we want to avoid by resisting the change and why we don’t want to welcome the new into our lives.

– Eszter

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