Anger Management — How To Tame The Raging Bull
Heated bouts of anger can be dangerous, not only for ourselves but also for those around us. What can we do to make them stop? Are we really angry at the person we think we are?
Many clients came to me with a problem: they struggle with severe anger attacks. This can frighten their families, cause issues at work, and sometimes even lead to physical altercations in bars. Not to mention that in such a state, we might endanger children or pets.
If someone believes that only men have such problems, they are mistaken. Many women also grapple with this issue. The cause can vary greatly, and it’s worth uncovering through family constellations, introspection or other methods because sometimes we unconsciously repeat patterns from previous generations.
There are a few important things to know about anger:
Anger is a signal that someone has crossed our boundaries or disregarded something important to us. (More about Anger in “Emotions, the Language of Our Soul — Anger.”)
Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning we feel it when we don’t want to experience another, more threatening feeling, such as fear or pain.
Suppressing anger is not a solution because it causes physiological changes in the body, including the production of stress hormones that need to be released somehow for us to truly calm down.
If we suddenly become angry, it’s advisable to engage in physical activity as soon as possible. I understand that doing so during a discussion or when our child is having a tantrum can be challenging. Nevertheless, keep in mind that we must physically release those stress hormones as soon as possible. We may have to wait until the end of the discussion or tantrum, but afterward, we should do it. Simple exercises like jumping jacks or pushing against a sturdy wall with full force can help until we feel our stress level decrease significantly.
Behind severe anger fits, there is always some fear or pain stemming from our own experiences, as well as transgenerational fear or pain. It’s crucial to uncover this as soon as possible because I’ve often seen cases where the anger directed at our partner, child, dog, or neighbor is not really ours but rather a pent-up, unexpressed reaction from a past family member.
Although it may sound strange, anyone who has witnessed for example family constellations knows the intensity of emotions that can surface and how much our family history matters. I have seen cases where a wife’s immense anger towards her husband was actually her grandmother’s anger because her grandfather had abused her. Since she suffered in silence and didn’t protect herself at the time, the anger, which was, in fact, a deep-seated fear, became stuck in the family system. The granddaughter, who adored her grandmother, released it.
I’ve also seen cases where a man who struggled with anger fits in adulthood had experienced a deprivation trauma in childhood. Being introverted, he needed a lot of time alone, but his extroverted parents never allowed him to play alone; he had to perform for others constantly. Consequently, he never had the peace, quiet, and me-time he needed. He constantly felt his boundaries were being crossed, lived in constant stress, and couldn’t recharge or relax. The deprivation of the peace he so desperately needed led to the development of a deprivation trauma. In his adult life, whenever he felt even slightly intruded upon, he was overwhelmed by feelings of vulnerability from his childhood, triggering uncontrollable rage. (More on deprivation trauma in “Deprivation Traumas and Their Surprising Consequences.”)
To permanently eliminate anger fits, we must uncover and process their root cause.
We release the grandmother’s anger through for example a family constellation and finally start living our lives. As introverts, we learn to assertively express our increased need for solitude rather than resorting to aggression when someone speaks to us after a tiring day.
Lastly, let us understand that anger is nothing more than a signal,
even if it has the power to suddenly overwhelm our entire world. When viewed this way, it becomes a useful signpost indicating that our boundaries have been crossed and that we need to explore further if we want to process the injuries that make our daily lives bitter.
– Eszter
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Emotions, the Language of Our Soul — Anger
What does our soul truly want to convey when we get angry? We all tend to nurture the idea that we become angry only very rarely and only under very justified circumstances. Because being angry is not okay. Because only those who mishandle their lives and the situations around them get angry.
Deprivation Traumas and Their Surprising Consequences
When we typically hear the word trauma, what usually comes to mind is an event that overwhelms the human nervous system with an excess of something. Much less often do we consider the type of trauma where there is an insufficient amount of something. However, this also exists, and indeed it does!
Can Assertiveness be Learned? Or Not?
Assertiveness is a behavior that allows a person to confidently assert their own interests while also taking into account the interests of others. This is done without resorting to aggression or passivity and without unconditional submission to the interests of another. In order to behave assertively, it’s crucial to clearly express our desires without getting sidetracked by emotions or beating around the bush. It also helps if we come across as confident and calm, both in our posture and in our voice. Most sources claim that assertiveness is a skill that can be learned. This is true, but only under certain conditions.
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